...they weren't entirely wrong. You see, the aliens DID try to invade the Earth on December 22nd, 2012. Too bad for them.
In their need to keep their saucers fueled and not waste any fuel, they star-hopped here. They used stars to fuel the saucers, and they never traveled high enough above the Galactic Plane to spot the Galactic Death Ray the Solar System was about to fly into. For the Smart-ass Bastards they thought they were, they sure didn't have much curiosity. See what happens when you think you know it all? Earth sailed into the Death Ray on the 21st, they arrived on the 22nd. Cooked.
It turns out that what always looked like tinfoil on the saucers was some weird titanium-silver alloy foil. Not aluminum or tin. Not to mention, they weren't within Earth's magnetic field when they sailed into the Death Ray. You need both a planetary magnetic field AND aluminum or tinfoil to block the Death Ray.
It was totally weird when hundreds of saucers started crashing all over the Earth on
12/22/12. Plop, kerboom, done, finito. We'll salvage what we can in time.
The Death Ray also wiped out the Oiler Bugs. ZAAAP! No more alien virus.
Now, time for the tinfoil shack.
Brad wonder OUT.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Dawn 2013 #Tinfoil2013: Superstorms From Pole Shifts? Naw...
...although greenhouse gasses created quite a few of them. Here's a lively pre-Death Ray discussion on the topic: http://m.io9.com/5756498/sorry-but-the-magnetic-poles-switching-places-wont-create-planetary-superstorms
Brad Wonder out.
Brad Wonder out.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Dawn 2013 #Tinfoil2013: So, Are There Really Space Aliens?
Absolutely! E. Von D. Gets a 90% on the quiz, only they don't drive chariots.
They also won't come back for a visit while the Death Ray is in session. Not even their ships can handle the prolonged radiation exposure, despite their extreme perfection of super-strength tinfoil. No, they'll be here AFTER Earth sails past the Death Ray, to see if our civilization has survived. We'd better make sure it does. Squiggy the Reptiloid told me what happened to his race after the last Death Ray pass over our last cigar. Hide in the bat caves, have a functional planetary civilization, or go extinct. Speaking of reasons for racial bad-temperedness...I almost feel sorry for the Reptiloids. First the Death Ray, then being hunted by grey midgets with big heads and bigger ray guns. Nice.
Brad Wonder out.
They also won't come back for a visit while the Death Ray is in session. Not even their ships can handle the prolonged radiation exposure, despite their extreme perfection of super-strength tinfoil. No, they'll be here AFTER Earth sails past the Death Ray, to see if our civilization has survived. We'd better make sure it does. Squiggy the Reptiloid told me what happened to his race after the last Death Ray pass over our last cigar. Hide in the bat caves, have a functional planetary civilization, or go extinct. Speaking of reasons for racial bad-temperedness...I almost feel sorry for the Reptiloids. First the Death Ray, then being hunted by grey midgets with big heads and bigger ray guns. Nice.
Brad Wonder out.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Dawn 2013 #Tinfoil2013: Tips & Tricks With Tinfoil...
Tips & Tricks with Tinfoil - Peruvian version:
1. Tinfoil Death-Ray Tester.
Use a long stick, pole, broom-handle, etc. Using your tinfoil umbrella in-case the Death Ray is currently shining down, go to the entrance of your cave or shelter. Wrap one end of the pole in tinfoil so that about six inches of the pole is covered, and it makes a big ball about six inches across at the end of the pole. Stick the tinfoiled end of the pole out of the cave. If it glows blue-green, you need tinfoil cover to exit the cave. If it doesn't, you can go outside without being under tinfoil, but ALWAYS carry enough tinfoil to shelter yourself if the Death Ray starts shining while you're out.
2. Tinfoil Death-Ray Indicator Watch.
Wrap a bracelet holding a circle of tinfoil around one of your wrists. Check it every couple of minutes for blue-green glow while you're out. If it starts glowing, GET UNDER TINFOIL, NOW!!! Otherwise, you are Bakado, Amigo. Toast. Crispy Critter. El Ash.
3. Tinfoil Underwear.
Line your undershorts (or girdle if you're a gal) with tinfoil on the outside of the cloth. (On the outside so the crinkly tinfoil isn't rubbing up against your sensitive woohoo!) for the protection of your mutatant-free procreation and the future Human re-population of the Earth.
4. Tinfoil Oven.
Take an extra tinfoil umbrella out with you. Affix a ceramic bowl to the handle at the end away from the parabola. Turn the umbrella upside-down on the ground and place cold food in the bowl. Change the angle of the parabola until your food begins to bake. Wait five minutes, eat. Wait ten minutes, eat charcoal. Get it?
5. Tinfoil Pet-Pajamas.
For Heaven's sake, if you're taking Fido or Frisky out to play, don't cook them! Use an old pet-sweater lined on the outside with tinfoil, and affix a miniature tinfoil umbrella to their collar. Your pet will still be around to thank you.
6. Tinfoil Path-Lights.
Kind of like the old solar sidewalk lights we used to have around our houses in the USA. Put a lump of tinfoil on the end of a two-foot stick. Sharpen the other end. Stick the sharp end into the ground along-side the path. Repeat every three feet for as far as you have sticks and tinfoil. It's easier to see the path when the tinfoil starts glowing under the Death Ray, and in an emergency, you can cannibalize the tinfoil to cover yourself.
7. Tinfoil Torches.
Take a three-foot stick. Put a huge wad of tinfoil on the end. Glows strongly blue-green under the Death Ray. Go play, Conan.
8. Tinfoil Yo-Yo.
Pretty useless, but more fun than a glow-in-the-dark Royal Spinner. Make sure you glue the foil on, so the centrifugal force doesn't whip your glow off. Be a child again for a few minutes.
9. Tinfoil-covered Lighters, Matchboxes, Phones, Keys, and Other Small Personal-Effects.
Allows you to easily find small items lost outside when the Death Ray shines.
10. Tinfoil-covered Bricks & Shingles.
How else do you think you're going to have a Tinfoil Shack for Hubba-Hubba Time?!
We'll post more Tinfoil Tips & Tricks as we think stuff up. Of course, feel free to leave tinfoil tricks as comments!
Brad Wonder out.
1. Tinfoil Death-Ray Tester.
Use a long stick, pole, broom-handle, etc. Using your tinfoil umbrella in-case the Death Ray is currently shining down, go to the entrance of your cave or shelter. Wrap one end of the pole in tinfoil so that about six inches of the pole is covered, and it makes a big ball about six inches across at the end of the pole. Stick the tinfoiled end of the pole out of the cave. If it glows blue-green, you need tinfoil cover to exit the cave. If it doesn't, you can go outside without being under tinfoil, but ALWAYS carry enough tinfoil to shelter yourself if the Death Ray starts shining while you're out.
2. Tinfoil Death-Ray Indicator Watch.
Wrap a bracelet holding a circle of tinfoil around one of your wrists. Check it every couple of minutes for blue-green glow while you're out. If it starts glowing, GET UNDER TINFOIL, NOW!!! Otherwise, you are Bakado, Amigo. Toast. Crispy Critter. El Ash.
3. Tinfoil Underwear.
Line your undershorts (or girdle if you're a gal) with tinfoil on the outside of the cloth. (On the outside so the crinkly tinfoil isn't rubbing up against your sensitive woohoo!) for the protection of your mutatant-free procreation and the future Human re-population of the Earth.
4. Tinfoil Oven.
Take an extra tinfoil umbrella out with you. Affix a ceramic bowl to the handle at the end away from the parabola. Turn the umbrella upside-down on the ground and place cold food in the bowl. Change the angle of the parabola until your food begins to bake. Wait five minutes, eat. Wait ten minutes, eat charcoal. Get it?
5. Tinfoil Pet-Pajamas.
For Heaven's sake, if you're taking Fido or Frisky out to play, don't cook them! Use an old pet-sweater lined on the outside with tinfoil, and affix a miniature tinfoil umbrella to their collar. Your pet will still be around to thank you.
6. Tinfoil Path-Lights.
Kind of like the old solar sidewalk lights we used to have around our houses in the USA. Put a lump of tinfoil on the end of a two-foot stick. Sharpen the other end. Stick the sharp end into the ground along-side the path. Repeat every three feet for as far as you have sticks and tinfoil. It's easier to see the path when the tinfoil starts glowing under the Death Ray, and in an emergency, you can cannibalize the tinfoil to cover yourself.
7. Tinfoil Torches.
Take a three-foot stick. Put a huge wad of tinfoil on the end. Glows strongly blue-green under the Death Ray. Go play, Conan.
8. Tinfoil Yo-Yo.
Pretty useless, but more fun than a glow-in-the-dark Royal Spinner. Make sure you glue the foil on, so the centrifugal force doesn't whip your glow off. Be a child again for a few minutes.
9. Tinfoil-covered Lighters, Matchboxes, Phones, Keys, and Other Small Personal-Effects.
Allows you to easily find small items lost outside when the Death Ray shines.
10. Tinfoil-covered Bricks & Shingles.
How else do you think you're going to have a Tinfoil Shack for Hubba-Hubba Time?!
We'll post more Tinfoil Tips & Tricks as we think stuff up. Of course, feel free to leave tinfoil tricks as comments!
Brad Wonder out.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Dawn 2013 #Tinfoil2013: Sorry I've Been Absent, Journal!
The weather has been cranky. We've had a deluge of rain here in tropical Peru. It's been impossible to go out without ruining our tinfoil umbrellas and getting steamed by the Death Ray. It kind of reminds me of that nasty #Blizzaster they had in 2011 that covered two-thirds of the USA. Everyone in Chicago thought it was the #Snowpocalypse, so they hid indoors or got stuck in their cars overnight.
Here are some pictures from the old #Snowmageddon: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-110201-monster-snowstorm-2011-pictures,0,6718278.photogallery
You can also view extensive video archives of #snOMG! by clicking on "see all" by the video responses to this guy's video, then clicking on "play all video responses." Hey, it's a GREAT way to psychologically cool-down on those super-hot Peruvian tropical evenings.
Of course, it also reminds you of all that we've lost.
Brad Wonder, out.
Here are some pictures from the old #Snowmageddon: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-110201-monster-snowstorm-2011-pictures,0,6718278.photogallery
You can also view extensive video archives of #snOMG! by clicking on "see all" by the video responses to this guy's video, then clicking on "play all video responses." Hey, it's a GREAT way to psychologically cool-down on those super-hot Peruvian tropical evenings.
Of course, it also reminds you of all that we've lost.
Brad Wonder, out.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Dawn 2013 #Tinfoil2013: I'm Having A Cigar In One Of The Caves, Reading Of #Egypt...
It's amazing to read of the bravery those people had, of the dedication to the people of their military. If it weren't for the Galactic Death Ray, they might have really made a good go of creating a decent, caring democracy in the Middle East.
I keep picturing some of them hiding out and surviving in pyramids and ancient temples and tombs. Perhaps their dreams of a better world will survive until the Death Ray passes, and start anew. I'll have to ask the Shaman to Journey there next Ritual and check on them.
The Shaman is a cool guy. His name is Bob Lightnight. Everyone thought he was a harmless nut before the Death Ray. He'd had a vision that told him to collect tinfoil and wear it under his clothes and wide-brimmed hat. He told me some really wild stories about dumpster-diving for tinfoil and washing it clean, rolling it up and squirreling it away.
I bet they were all surprised when they started baking in the Death Ray, and he walked away scott-free and glowing blue with green outlines. He even saved a young teen couple by letting them stay in his heavily-foiled cardboard box on Flake Alley. Their names are Zeke Winkus and Suzette Seraphima. They're here with us in Peru, and Suzette is Bob's apprentice. Zeke does chores for both of them. They both love Tinfoil Bob like a favorite eccentric uncle.
The story of their journey to Peru is amazing, too. I'll save that for another cigar, though.
Brad Wonder out.
I keep picturing some of them hiding out and surviving in pyramids and ancient temples and tombs. Perhaps their dreams of a better world will survive until the Death Ray passes, and start anew. I'll have to ask the Shaman to Journey there next Ritual and check on them.
The Shaman is a cool guy. His name is Bob Lightnight. Everyone thought he was a harmless nut before the Death Ray. He'd had a vision that told him to collect tinfoil and wear it under his clothes and wide-brimmed hat. He told me some really wild stories about dumpster-diving for tinfoil and washing it clean, rolling it up and squirreling it away.
I bet they were all surprised when they started baking in the Death Ray, and he walked away scott-free and glowing blue with green outlines. He even saved a young teen couple by letting them stay in his heavily-foiled cardboard box on Flake Alley. Their names are Zeke Winkus and Suzette Seraphima. They're here with us in Peru, and Suzette is Bob's apprentice. Zeke does chores for both of them. They both love Tinfoil Bob like a favorite eccentric uncle.
The story of their journey to Peru is amazing, too. I'll save that for another cigar, though.
Brad Wonder out.
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